Friday!
When last we left our heroes, they were back on Ko Samui, about to fly over to Pattaya so I could dive some skies. The Ko Samui airport is seriously the coolest airport in the world:
It's all open air, beautifully designed, and chock-a-block with wicker chairs. I don't even know what chock-a-block means, but this airport has it in spades.
It wasn't all wicker and rainbows, however. Once again I had to ditch all the crap I had picked up from pharmacies in Ko Pha Ngan before I went through security, so that was another couple dollars I was out. I'm thrifty, okay?!
It's just as well, though, since I definitely wanted to be sober in time for this:
Skydiving! Yup, this is the place. Where planes are boarded, and then jumped out of.
Let's observe:
Keen-eyed viewers may notice me being a total dick and flipping off the camera. That was a great idea, especially since the staff of the place later all watched the video together with me. One woman who worked there just turned to me, confusion and hurt innocence in her eyes, and simply asked: "Why?" 'Cause I'm fucking punk, that's why. Also, I am so sorry. You may also notice Nirvana in the soundtrack there, because I think I told the cameraman who put the video together that I was from Seattle. Thus, Teen Spirit.
The plane we took up was the last for the day, so after we were all on the ground they made the next part of the itinerary crystal clear:
Us bitches was to drink beers. I'm not one to argue with professionals, so I complied.
6.4% beer is damn refreshing after falling a million feet out of the sky.
Even better is 5 beers.
One of the staff was shilling a Power Balance bracelet, which you can read about on your own time. His demonstrations seemed legit, but then that's kind of the point of kinesiology tricks.
Later we watched the skydiving scene from Fandango, which the instructors seemed to find a little too funny:
Enjoy the young Judd Nelson and unknown Kevin Costner. That kid's got a shot at the big time, I think.
When I got back to the hotel to meet up with Jessie, it was starting to get dark, which meant it was time to get a little crazy.
Fact: Crazy is one of the active ingredients in Thai Red Bull.
First stop was this giant street-side night market, where they sold anything you could want. We got some food, some fruit shakes, and took in the scenery.
Like this stand, that sold DVDs of people dying, like a horrible Southeast Asian Faces of Death collection.
Or these cages full of rabbits in tiny dresses.
Possibly less depressing than the snuff film stand, but personally I was more unsettled by the rabbits.
Too cute to be anything good. Just too damn cute.
They also had live music at the end of the street. A reggae band if memory serves, but I was already getting a little crazy on Red Bull and leftover adrenaline, so take it with a mountain of salt.
It was now time for Walking Street, proper. Notorious for being pretty much the sleaziest place in all of Thailand, and therefore the universe:
Sponsored by Samsung, your leading provider of quality electronics and nasty, nasty ping pong shows.
Here is Jessie, admiring the lights, the sounds, and the omnipresent 7-11s:
For cartoon-lovers and pedophiles everywhere, we have Doraemon Massage:
As much as I wish I had gone in, I'm also certain I would be on an unsavory list somewhere. Wait a second, Thailand doesn't have an FBI! Dammit!
Yup, it's a pretty impressive street. Maybe one of the best.
This photo was taken moments before we went to our first official Walking Street ping pong show. So without further ado, let me (finally) give you, readers of some low mind, the run-down on ping pong shows:
On the street, you'll find guys who approach you with laminated menus detailing whatever their bar offers. The menu usually has the names of about 50 different shows the girls can supposedly do, although in the 4 or so places we went we only saw a fraction of that menu, with a lot of repetition. The places say they don't have a cover, but your first drink will cost about 10 dollars over its actual price (and then subsequent drinks will be normal price). If you're lucky, the show will begin right when you get there or be already underway, but most of the time you have to sit for about 15 minutes and watch the world's least enthusiastic strippers sway listlessly to generic techno. These strippers often are wearing panties or even tops, showing just how little their heart is in it. I know everyone comes to these things to see the ping pong ladies, and it must be disheartening to know how everyone is just waiting for them to come out and doesn't care about you, but come on. A little professionalism, ladies.
Now, let's talk about some of the shows you might see the stocky, middle-aged mother types perform at these shows:
Ping Pong Show: I know what you're picturing when you hear the name, and I pictured the same thing too. A girl shooting ping pong balls out of her vagina at lightspeed, maybe actually playing a game with some brave volunteer from the audience. Sadly, it's totally wrong. What actually happens is the woman sticks one or two ping pong balls "all up ins" her, and then stands over a cup and tries to drop them in. A semi-impressive display of accuracy and muscle control, but certainly not the disgusting world-class table tennis match of my dreams. Oh, and at the end sometimes the girl will offer the ball to the audience, in case you want to put it in your mouth or something. I know this, because she mimed putting it in her mouth while looking at me, and in return I mimed a guy who wanted nothing to do with that goddamn ping pong ball.
Fish Show: The woman sucks up one or two goldfish out of a fishbowl into her lady parts, and then drops them into another bowl. Pretty standard stuff. Every time I saw it the goldfish made it out alive, and just maybe, a little happier.
Egg Show: I've seen a few things in my time, and I can honestly say, the Egg Show is something that I have seen. The aforementioned woman puts an egg inside her (in a brazen and ironic symbol of defiance against nature, I am sure), and once it is secure, she then slams her fucking pelvis as hard as she can against the floor. That thwump-thwump-thwump was the sound of angels being battered to death, and still haunts my nightmares. Afterward she would of course take the egg out to show that it was unbroken, but that was hardly the point. What she was breaking was my soul.
Flag Show: She would pull out a long string of miniature flags, like a scene in a clown porno.
Razor Show: She would pull out a long string covered in razor blades, like a scene in some awful deSade adaptation that Trent Reznor rips off for a music video. I'm sure there was some sort of trick to this, like with sword swallowing, but every time I think about it too much I get a roaring nose in my ears and my nose starts bleeding.
Needle Show: Same thing as the last two, but the string is instead covered with big 'ol needles, like one would use for sewing, and not for pulling out of their snatch.
Smoking Show/Cigarette Show: Unlike the Ping Pong show, this is exactly what you think. She smokes some cigarettes with her vagina. If you're really lucky and you've been a good boy all year, she might do two cigarettes at a time.
Marker Show: The woman writes something using a marker held by superhumanly strong kegel muscles. Usually the result is something like: Welcome to (Insert Club Name Here), or Good Luck. One show we went to actually took submissions from the audience of what to write, in exchange for a generous tip. After seeing this I was determined to get what was certain to be the best birthday present ever for people back home, but none of the shows we went to later would take submissions. Sorry guys, I tried.
Balloon Show: This was everything the Ping Pong show was not. They would pass out balloons among the audience, and using a blowgun mounted where you would expect, the woman would shoot out little paper darts and try to pop the balloons. This is what I wanted from you Thailand, and I was not let down. Jessie held the balloon, and we know they used paper darts because the lady missed the first time and we examined the wasted ammunition. I would've taken it home as a souvenir, except, gross.
Banana Show: My personal favorite. The staff hands out cups among the audience, and the lady then tries to launch a full goddamn peeled banana into your cup. And yes, both me and Jessie held cups. And yes, we both did manage to catch the bananas in our cups (prison slang?), unlike the loser couple sitting next to us. I did however miss the first time, which resulted in me getting pussy-banana slime all down the front of my shirt. Ultra gross to the max. That banana I caught though, after seeing her pelvis readjust its aim like the most erotic artillery, was the best moment I had in all of Thailand. Fuck bungee jumping and skydiving, I have never wanted a t-shirt for something so bad in my entire life.
Even with all the ping pong shows in all the world, I still wish I had seen Thai Elvis.
So many regrets. So, so many regrets.
Next time (hopefully soon): Saturday, in Bangkok. One of the most insane and terrifying days I have ever had, bar none. If that's not a ringing endorsement, I don't know what is.
Edit: Sunday is actually what you're looking for. Saturday is pretty boring but hey, completionists are people too.
